My First Blog - Filling the Void

The conversation had started so innocently. I was sitting in my mother's sunlit kitchen back in Wisconsin, snacking on grapes. I was home under the premise of "wanting family time." Reality was that I had recently broke up with yet another boyfriend and had to get away for a while.
"What do you want for your birthday this year?" My mother asked.
"I could use a nice set of pots and pans," I answered before thinking.
"What happened to ones we gave you last year?"
"Rick has them." Rick was the most recent ex boyfriend I had lived with. I could feel my mother's lecture come on before it even started.
"You know, you really need to stop living with men before you're married. You let them take everything from you, including your spirit."
"I know." I was surprised at how hollow and empty my response was.
My mind wandered back to something my father had told me as a teenager. I had been hell bent on self destruction, looking for ways to hurt myself physically to avoid the emotional pain I always seemed to feel. "Sometimes I wish my little girl didn't have such a big heart. Then it wouldn't hurt as bad when it broke." Perhaps there was some truth in his statement. I always felt like I had so much to give and was very generous with my heart and soul. Time and again this backfired, leaving me raw and empty.
"Are you even listening to me?" I heard my mother break into my thoughts. I hadn't been at all. Something about my normal sparkle and shine being gone. I nod. Yep mom, I let them take that from me too. I don't know what I have left anymore.
"What's it going to take to make you happy?"
She did not find humor in my response of whiskey and weed. Perhaps because she knew I wasn't joking. An akward silence followed. I stared out the window, watching a sparrow dance in the backyard birdbath. I wondered what it was thinking about.
Absentmindedly and half to myself I asked "When your soul is empty, how do you fill it back up?"
I hadn't realized I was crying until I saw a tear splash on the kitchen table.
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That was just over a year ago now. Though my soul is still not back to its normal state, I know that I am moving in the right direction. This has not been an easy year. So much in my life has changed. A year ago, I would have never pictured myself here. Yet here I am, trying to fill the void with good, positive things. Everyday is a challenge. Every smile takes energy. I seek soul nourishment in all that I do and hope that in time, I will feel complete again.