All those things you never want to say

First, an apology for this one, for I'm sure that it will be grammatically wrong. It will jump around and make no sense to anyone but me. But that is what this is for right?


Today was one of those odd days that left me thinking about a lot of shit. Thinking about life and what got me to this point.

I walked out on campus today to find the quad completely covered with daisies. It was 11,ooo daisies to represent the 11,ooo lives lost to suicide on college campuses each year. A stranger innocently handed me a bouquet and I immediately had tears in my eyes. I lost a brother to suicide back in 2001 and not a day passes that I don't think about him and miss him terribly. I wonder how my life would be different today if I still had him taking care of me and looking out for me. He was the one stable adult in my life that I could count on. I have felt lost everyday since he died.

I got to thinking about the people that influence my life. The ones that are now gone, the ones that have been there all along, the ones I wish would sometimes go away. Some know me through and through. I don't ever have to explain myself or my actions because they can do it for me better. Some are new and I wonder what kind of lasting influence they will have. Some keep hanging on even when I ask them to leave. I am starting to realize that maybe this is happening for a reason. I don't know yet what that reason is, but I'm sure in time it will be revealed.

I met with my acupunturist for a 2 hour intake session today. Being holistic as he is, we went through everything. All the things I never want to say were told to this random stranger in hopes that he can help me with my depression/anxiety/insomnia. Its all connected and I know that it can be fixed somehow. So here I am telling this guy all the things I never say to anyone and he looks me straight in the eye (which makes me uncomfortable even with those I love) and tells me "Something's missing. Something's not adding up here." Well no shit. Something's been missing for a long time. So long that I no longer even know what it is, I just know its not there.

He asked me what I was afraid of and all I could say was failure. Most days I have those "if only" thoughts. If only I had done better, if only I had said what I really meant, if only I had been perfect. "If only" thoughts are killing me.


...Moral of this story...I need to quit drinking and blogging ;)