The Juggling Act

Most of us spend our entire adult lives juggling. We juggle family, friends, work, free time. Sometimes extra balls are thrown in the mix and we are forced to juggle our health or our changing life goals. We spend so much time juggling and trying to keep everything going that we sometimes forget what our priorities are.
I have learned in life that my family is a glass ball. They mean everything to me and if I drop that ball, it shatters. Family stays in the mix, always. True friends are rare, hard to find, and even harder to keep. They are a precious glass ball as well. Friends stay in the mix. Recently my health became a glass ball. What once was not to be an issue that needed to be juggled suddenly became one. Taking care of my health stays in the mix. The most important lesson I have learned recently is that work is a rubber ball. It can be dropped at any time and has the ability to bounce back. I have spent far too long thinking that work was a glass ball, thinking that work was the ONLY ball, that I have forgotten the importance of everything else. Sometimes it is good to have a wakeup call to be reminded of what is truly important in life.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you apprieciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. -Marilyn Monroe

All those things you never want to say

First, an apology for this one, for I'm sure that it will be grammatically wrong. It will jump around and make no sense to anyone but me. But that is what this is for right?


Today was one of those odd days that left me thinking about a lot of shit. Thinking about life and what got me to this point.

I walked out on campus today to find the quad completely covered with daisies. It was 11,ooo daisies to represent the 11,ooo lives lost to suicide on college campuses each year. A stranger innocently handed me a bouquet and I immediately had tears in my eyes. I lost a brother to suicide back in 2001 and not a day passes that I don't think about him and miss him terribly. I wonder how my life would be different today if I still had him taking care of me and looking out for me. He was the one stable adult in my life that I could count on. I have felt lost everyday since he died.

I got to thinking about the people that influence my life. The ones that are now gone, the ones that have been there all along, the ones I wish would sometimes go away. Some know me through and through. I don't ever have to explain myself or my actions because they can do it for me better. Some are new and I wonder what kind of lasting influence they will have. Some keep hanging on even when I ask them to leave. I am starting to realize that maybe this is happening for a reason. I don't know yet what that reason is, but I'm sure in time it will be revealed.

I met with my acupunturist for a 2 hour intake session today. Being holistic as he is, we went through everything. All the things I never want to say were told to this random stranger in hopes that he can help me with my depression/anxiety/insomnia. Its all connected and I know that it can be fixed somehow. So here I am telling this guy all the things I never say to anyone and he looks me straight in the eye (which makes me uncomfortable even with those I love) and tells me "Something's missing. Something's not adding up here." Well no shit. Something's been missing for a long time. So long that I no longer even know what it is, I just know its not there.

He asked me what I was afraid of and all I could say was failure. Most days I have those "if only" thoughts. If only I had done better, if only I had said what I really meant, if only I had been perfect. "If only" thoughts are killing me.


...Moral of this story...I need to quit drinking and blogging ;)

An Adventure Story

It was late July and I was about to embark on my first solo backpacking trip. While packing, I was slightly apprehensive. I didn't know why. I had backpacked plenty before. It was what I did for work. 8 day trips every other week, 7 months out of the year. I taught Wilderness first aid and safety, leave no trace ethic, and backpacking basics. But this would be my first time going alone. No one to help carry group gear, no one to talk to, no one to bail me out if I got in trouble. Just me and my trusty canine companion, Sage. My destination - the Bighorn Crags in Idaho's Frank Church River of No Return Wilderness, largest Wilderness in the lower 48.

I decided to pack somewhat light. Being 5'3" and weighing in at 115 pounds, I had learned to pack only the essentials. My pack consisted of a one (wo)man tent, sleeping bag, thermarest, cookset and stove, water filter, maps, small first aid kit, camera, one set of warm, dry clothes, food and my flyrod and fishing gear. That being what I consider "essential" for a 3 night, 35 mile trip, my pack was still heavy. I like to eat well while backpacking, and food gets heavy. Thankfully Sage had her own little doggie pack for her food.

It was an early start on day one. I hit the road before sunrise, knowing that I had a three hour drive ahead of me on a rugged, mountain road to make it to the trail head. Turned out to be a gorgeous drive and I got to watch the sunrise over the mountains. It made me so thankful to live an area where I was able to see such beauty. I arrived at the trailhead by 0830 and was excited to get started. I adjusted the straps on both my pack and my dog's, took a deep breath of fresh mountain air, and hit the trail. I felt giddy with excitement, knowing that I was about to do something that not many women can claim to do.

Even though I was in great shape from all the field work I had been doing, the first steep incline with a 45 pound pack on was tough! With no one there to push me along, I found myself hiking slower and taking more breaks than was usual for me. That aside, my first day on the trail went great. Nice weather, nice views, nice trail. A girl can't ask for more than that. I arrived at my first camp area around 4pm. This gave me time to set up my tent and do some fishing before cooking dinner. Let me just say that a simple dinner of mac and cheese with tuna tastes amazing after a day of hiking. Any meal cooked in the backcountry tastes better than if it was cooked at home.

After a few more hours of fishing and watching Sage chase chipmunks around, dark started to settle in. I hadn't seen a single person since the trail head and realized that I was completely alone out there, and it felt great. I laid out on the rocks and stargazed for what felt like hours. I had never seen so many stars in my life. I decided to go for a late night swim in the mountain lake. Since I knew there was no one around for miles, I stripped down to nothing and jumped in. Invigorating would be an understatement. Once I got over the shock of the bitter cold, I floated around a bit, enjoying the sounds of the earth. The night was perfect and I felt completely free.

The next morning I awoke feeling not so perfect. Strong winds were battering my tent around. I decided to pack up and start moving. I had a long day ahead of me. 14 miles to the next camp site. After a quick breakfast for both the dog and myself, I hit the trail. It was a fairly uneventful day on the trail. Again, I saw no one, all day. Talk about being in the middle of nowhere. I spent most of the day watching a storm build to the west. I rolled into my second camp area just about the same time the storm did. I had my tent up and was in it in a matter of minutes. I let my dog in too. She was not happy out in the rain and wind. I could not believe how fast that storm rolled in. Lightning was striking down right next to my tent. Thunder was shaking the ground. Hail was pounding against my tent walls and the wind was trying its damnedest to rip my tent off the ground. It was intense, it was scary, and I was right in the thick of it. My tough guard of a dog was curled up as close to me as she could get, whimpering and shivering like crazy. She was terrified, which did nothing to calm my nerves. I did not like this situation, and I'll admit, I was scared. I knew I was in a bad situation and far from anything or anyone that could help me if things got worse. Lets just say it was a long night, with little to no sleep.

By morning, it was still raining, but at least the storm had passed. All of my gear was completely soaked. I was cold, miserable, tired. The last thing I wanted to do was pack up and go for another 2 days. I considered my options. Though it made me feel like a complete failure, I packed up and started a long trek back to the trailhead. I did not want to deal with wet gear and another night in the wilderness.

The idea of returning early made humility sink in. I felt like a failure. I had let myself down and was feeling like a weak girl, something I had always fought hard against. Yet there I was, the epitome of a weak girl, hiking out early, cold and alone. It was a rough hike, in more ways than one. As I hiked along lost in my feelings of self loathing, I came upon a group of 3 college aged guys. They were on the trail in front of me and I was about to pass them. As I approached from behind and asked to pass them, they were all amazed at how fast I was hiking and how tough I was to be out there on my own. I felt myself stand up a little bit straighter. Even though I had cut the trip short, I had done it. I had done it all by myself and not many people can say that. Looking back, it was one the best experiences I have I ever had.

My First Blog - Filling the Void

The conversation had started so innocently. I was sitting in my mother's sunlit kitchen back in Wisconsin, snacking on grapes. I was home under the premise of "wanting family time." Reality was that I had recently broke up with yet another boyfriend and had to get away for a while.
"What do you want for your birthday this year?" My mother asked.
"I could use a nice set of pots and pans," I answered before thinking.
"What happened to ones we gave you last year?"
"Rick has them." Rick was the most recent ex boyfriend I had lived with. I could feel my mother's lecture come on before it even started.
"You know, you really need to stop living with men before you're married. You let them take everything from you, including your spirit."
"I know." I was surprised at how hollow and empty my response was.
My mind wandered back to something my father had told me as a teenager. I had been hell bent on self destruction, looking for ways to hurt myself physically to avoid the emotional pain I always seemed to feel. "Sometimes I wish my little girl didn't have such a big heart. Then it wouldn't hurt as bad when it broke." Perhaps there was some truth in his statement. I always felt like I had so much to give and was very generous with my heart and soul. Time and again this backfired, leaving me raw and empty.
"Are you even listening to me?" I heard my mother break into my thoughts. I hadn't been at all. Something about my normal sparkle and shine being gone. I nod. Yep mom, I let them take that from me too. I don't know what I have left anymore.
"What's it going to take to make you happy?"
She did not find humor in my response of whiskey and weed. Perhaps because she knew I wasn't joking. An akward silence followed. I stared out the window, watching a sparrow dance in the backyard birdbath. I wondered what it was thinking about.
Absentmindedly and half to myself I asked "When your soul is empty, how do you fill it back up?"
I hadn't realized I was crying until I saw a tear splash on the kitchen table.
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That was just over a year ago now. Though my soul is still not back to its normal state, I know that I am moving in the right direction. This has not been an easy year. So much in my life has changed. A year ago, I would have never pictured myself here. Yet here I am, trying to fill the void with good, positive things. Everyday is a challenge. Every smile takes energy. I seek soul nourishment in all that I do and hope that in time, I will feel complete again.